


Human Voices Wake Us and We Drown (and We Drown)

by Bam4Me



Series: Dress Shopping [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: But for once it's not Yuuri, Genderfluid!Yuuri, Genderqueer!Yuuri, M/M, Panic Attacks, Surprise Otabek is trans in this series too, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans!Otabek, Trans!Yurio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 09:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10303181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bam4Me/pseuds/Bam4Me
Summary: The one where Otabek moves to town because he fell in love with a smol angry.





	

**Author's Note:**

> WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!! I writ!!!!
> 
> iwriteshitficsyoi.tumblr.com

“What has Yurio so excited today? I haven’t seen him this happy since JJ ‘fell’ down those stairs.”

 

Yuuri bristled at the words drifting out of the kitchen, straightening up when Makkachin licked the exposed skin between his skirt and socks, making him jump a little at the cold feeling. Him and Victor had that habit in common, to be fully honest. The bristling, of course, wasn’t at Makkachin’s licking, for that, was an unfortunate part, of dog ownership, but at the idea that someone had  _ pushed _ JJ down the stairs at last month’s get together in America.

 

He didn’t  _ push _ JJ down the stairs, it was an accident. Of course, Victor and Yuri had taken to accusing him of violent behavior ever since. “I didn’t push him, he- oh wait, you said fell, nevermind. You haven’t checked your phone today, have you?”

 

Victor scoffed, still stirring something in a bowl, and Yuuri honestly had his suspicions about whether or not it would be edible by the time Victor was done with it. Yuri could cook if he had instructions or a recipe, and Yuuri could cook most things with an edible result, but Victor’s cooking was often a toss up between good and bad. “As if I wouldn’t, I’m not you, Yuuri, I don’t just  _ forget _ that I have a phone.”

 

Yuuri snorted, shaking his head as he came to stand next to him at the counter, pushing just enough into his space that he could get one hand on Victor’s lower back, and the other on his stomach, Victor’s bicep brushing against his chest every time he moved, without hindering his work.

 

Up close now, Yuuri still wasn’t sure he was making actual edible food. “Then really, you should already know why Yurio is so happy. He’s just excited that Otabek is going to be moving into his new place this week.”

 

Victor went still, and for a moment, Yuuri was surprised by the feel of him obviously holding his breath, because Yuuri could feel his stomach still against his palm. “What?”

 

Yuuri was quiet for way too many moments, waiting with his own baited breath for Victor to start breathing again, and didn’t answer till he felt Victor’s stomach move again. Yuuri has the slightly odd feeling that this is what people mean when they say, ‘I think I broke him.’ That was actually weird. “Otabek is going to be moving into his new apartment tomorrow. Yurio is just excited that his friend is finally going to be close enough to hang out with, I think.”

 

Victor looked around the room for a few seconds, as if looking for the answer to his unspoken question. “Otabek is… moving into… a new apartment? I don’t see… Otabek is moving to St Petersburg?”

 

He ended with a slightly odd inflection to his question, as if he hadn’t even been aware of that. Yuuri reached up to put a hand to his forehead. “Vitya, are you alright? I thought you said you’ve been checking your messages?”

 

Victor put the bowl and whisk down on the counter, reaching into his back pocket for his phone. While he set about checking all texts and other form of message, Yuuri went to further inspect Victor’s… something… should he stop him from making things? This doesn’t… well, it doesn’t smell bad, but, it also doesn’t smell like food should? Yuuri stops himself from asking Victor about it, only with the promise that he wouldn’t eat it if it still smelled like that once it was done, and the idea -the possibly wrong idea- that Victor would never poison them.

 

Hopefully.

 

“I don’t have any new messages from Yurio or Otabek.”

 

Yuuri took the phone Victor held out to him with a frown, looking through his texts for him. He paused, looking at the -silent- most recent group chat between all the skaters.

 

He could have sworn that that chat had been blowing up no less than twenty minutes ago. He pulled out his own phone to check, and sure enough, he had multiple new messages.

 

“Um… babe? I… I think they booted you from the group chat?”

 

Victor frowned, taking both phones from Yuuri so he could check. Yuuri was right. “Why the hell would they take me off the group chat?”

 

Yuuri thought about that for a minute. “Probably… because you seem to think that Otabek has improper thoughts and ideas about Yurio so you keep threatening him? I mean… it’s just a theory…”

 

Victor was left sputtering indignantly in the kitchen while Yuuri left to go find something in the pantry for their actual dinner, deciding that he didn’t want to chance Victor’s cooking tonight.

 

***

 

**Victor: y did I get removal from chat?**

 

**Phichit: ...I didn’t even realize you weren’t on…**

 

**Mila: Yura made Otabek kick you off because he didn’t want you to ruin things.**

 

**Yuri: I hate you.**

 

**Mila: No you don’t. I’m the only one who holds you the way you love.**

 

**Yuuri: ????**

 

**Yuri: Mila… no…**

 

**Mila: Okay, I mean, Yuuri probably holds you that way too.**

 

**Yuri: No, Mila, you’re the only person who will pick me up and just carry me off like that, Katsudon has boundaries, unlike some people here.**

 

**Victor: Disowned. Both disowned.**

 

**Yuri: That would mean more to me if I wasn’t sitting in the living room listening to you trying to describe the English word for that to Yuuri for five straight minutes.**

 

**Victor: [angry face emoji]**

 

**Yuuri: You’re really frustrating him right now. You know he doesn’t like typing in English.**

 

**Yuri: Which is why I like making him type in English. He’ll never get better at it if he doesn’t type it.**

 

**Victor: Why Otabek?**

 

**Yuri: ...probably because his parents wanted a kid?**

 

**Victor: huh?**

 

**Yuri: You asked why he is. He is, because his parents wanted a kid.**

 

**Otabek: Not true, that implies that they were expecting me.**

 

**Victor: No! Why was I off?**

 

**Otabek: Yuri made me do it.**

 

**Yuri: I didn’t want you sending him passive aggressive texts every time he talked???**

 

**Victor: ...tru…**

 

*******

 

When Yuri first went to hang out at Otabek’s new place, it was nearly a week after he first moved in.

 

Unfortunately, they were both people with things like work and school to deal with, they couldn’t just ditch everything to go  _ hang out _ , even though Yuri really,  _ really _ wanted to. Like, he  _ really _ wanted to.

 

Which is why Yuri was finally getting the chance to go over to Otabek’s new place, a week later. He knocked on the apartment door excitedly and gave Otabek a happy little smile when he answered. “I brought pizza!”

 

Otabek gave Yuri a smile, somehow managing to look sappy while letting Yuri shove past him into the apartment, dropping the pizza off on the counter.

 

Oh god, Yuri was stupidly cute when he smiled like that.

 

Yup, he can see why Victor thought he had bad thoughts about Yuri. He’s too cute, if Yuri was basically his kid, he’d be protective too.

 

***

 

“What doctor do you go to for help here in St Petersburg. Like, do you have someone on standby for testosterone?”

 

Yuri blinked at the question, turning so he could give Otabek a funny look, not completely sure why he was asking. “I… I don’t use testosterone?”

 

Otabek gave him a look back, putting down his pizza slice and wiping his hands off on a napkin. He looked almost nervous. Yuri couldn’t figure out why. “Is… is testosterone hard to get in Russia?”

 

Yuri shrugged. “Well, not really, as long as you have a good doctor, but I just never wanted to start it? I don’t mind my body now, how I look right now doesn’t make me nervous. I might start it one day if I start looking more like a woman than a man, but right now I don’t mind. I’m more concerned with how people recognize me.”

 

Otabek nodded, glancing away once before looking back at Yuri. “I don’t mean to pry or anything, it’s just that I never ended up looking into doctors before I moved here. Really stupid of me, I know, but I always figured if there was an issue I could go back to my old GP and get it there.”

 

Yuri was still confused. “You use testosterone?”

 

Otabek looked over at him, floored. “You’re more oblivious than I thought…”

 

Yuri scowled at him. “I’m not oblivious! ...what am I not being oblivious about?”

 

Otabek couldn’t hold back the fond laughter in his voice at that. Oh, yes, there’s the reason he liked this dork so much. He was impossibly cute. He sighed a little, more fond than anything. “Yuri, you know I’m trans too, right?”

 

Actually no, Yuri did not know that. “Oh… okay, so maybe I sometimes don’t notice things-”

 

Otabek cut him off with a snorting laugh, nearly doubling over into loud gauffs, and Yuri could feel himself getting warmer, lighter. It was a nice sound, as far as ugly laughter goes.

 

“Did you think I was asking for you?”

 

Yuri nodded, looking away from Otabek with a frown on his face. “Sorta. I thought… I thought you were wondering if I would… If I was on…”

 

He couldn’t bring himself to say it. For a second, he could feel himself breathing a little heavier, and wondered if this was what Yuuri felt like all the time, as it became hard to breath, and he started to recognize the signs of a panic attack that Yuuri would get all the time. Yuri couldn’t handle the idea of this happening more than once, that wasn’t okay, he didn’t like this-

 

He felt a hand on either of his knees, gently pulling his feet back down off the couch and to the ground, he could see Otabek sitting in front of him, looking worried, and saying something in a gentle voice that Yuri couldn’t hear.

 

It took him a minute, but when he finally came back down, he could hear Otabek asking him to breath. “Please, Yura, breath with me, I didn’t mean to upset you, I don’t mean anything by it, I just want you to breath with me now, in through your mouth… and out through your nose, that’s it, I’m so sorry.”

 

They sat like that for a minute while Otabek helped him breath, sitting on the floor in front of him, hands warm and heavy on his knees, grounding his feet to the floor, and helping his mind come back to him.

 

“I’m sorry I upset you, Yuri, I never meant to mean this in a bad way. I’m so sorry.”

 

Yuri’s breath hitched once, but he was able to get the words out. “It’s not what you said. It’s… I don’t…” He whined once, trying not to think about something painful. “I don’t talk to other trans people a lot, is all.”

 

Otabek’s eyebrows furrowed, confused. “You got upset because I’m also trans?”

 

Yuri felt horrible about it, but he didn’t want to lie. He shrugged. “It’s just… you’ve obviously had top surgery, and you’re on T, and you… you pass…”

 

Otabek felt shocked. “You’re upset because I pass? You know you pass too, right? But not only that, there’s no wrong way to be trans, everybody is different, and what works for me might not work for you, that’s fine.”

 

Yuri gently pulled his legs out from Otabek’s hands, pulling them back under himself on the couch again, so he could hug them. Otabek looked sad for a second, before Yuri caught one of them with his own, pulling it closer so he could keep a hold on it. “I don’t… I don’t talk to other trans people, because I’m not interested in all that other stuff. At least, not now. I don’t talk to others much, because I always feel like I’m not trying hard enough. Being around others sometimes makes me feel like I’m just a confused girl, because I don’t-”

 

“Yuri, you are not a girl. You are a boy. My top surgery didn’t make me more of a boy, it made me more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t use testosterone because boys need that, but because I was growing large hips at an alarmingly fast rate and I couldn’t stand the thought of the dysphoria coming back, so I use it now, and I’m okay with that. You are not a girl because you don’t do the same thing I do.”

 

Yuri nodded, sniffling a few times. There were tears in his eyes, and Otabek wanted a way to make them go away. He really did. “I know that, I just get really upset sometimes because people have told me that before, and I don- ...I can’t…”

 

Otabek reached up to pull Yuri out of the seat and most of the way into his arms, knobby knees shoving into his stomach because Yuri was too small for his own good, but he ignored that, just holding him there.

 

“Yuri, you’re fine the way you are. As long as your feel comfortable in your body, that’s the most important thing in the world. You’re a boy, and as long as you feel like a boy, that’s what you’ll be.”

 

Yuri nodded against his shoulder with another sniffle, hugging him back as tight as he could completely thankful to have a friend like this. “Thank you.”

 

“It’s no problem. It’ll never be a problem.”

**Author's Note:**

> iwriteshitficsyoi.tumblr.com


End file.
